Twenty five year old Gaurav is an
engineering graduate. With a GPA of 10 all through his academic career, Gaurav does
not know what it is to be the second best. Having moved three jobs he is unable
to stick to any job for more than three months. He cannot handle criticism.
Gaurav’s father, Rajesh just doesn’t know what to do.
Rajesh and Rakhi never had a
‘bad day’ at Gaurav’s school. Intellectually gifted, every Open House was a
proud day in their lives. Report cards on how their son was the future of the
country adorned Gaurav’s book shelves. Topping almost every competitive exam,
entering the best engineering college in the country to being handpicked at the
campus placement for the most lucrative job, Gaurav had done it all.
But today he is on shaky grounds. He
rarely agrees with his boss and his juniors tease him. His name is synonymous
with a loner. He is never a team player.
Where had Rajesh and Rakhi faltered?
Though they motivated him to study
and excel, they never let him develop his friends. He never went for birthday
parties. He usually got books and computer games as gifts. Never was he gifted
board games or anything that he could do in a group. He spent lonely evenings
as a child, pouring over his books when his age kids were out in the streets
having fun. Ever confident that academic
success will ensure success in life, his parents displayed all his medals on
the showcase for all to see. Each time he saw the medals he was reminded that
he had to deliver a perfect show next time round too.
Parents carry their own baggage
while rearing their kids. At times they never grow up to be adults themselves.
The child in them wants to take refuge in their own parents, the system and
every external source of strength rather than their own inner one. They do not
evolve themselves nor do they allow their kids to evolve. Evolution happens
when you break the norm.
Parents who transfer their
ambitions to their children and try to live their dreams through them do not
realise how their actions can prove detrimental to the future of their kids.
The pressure to measure up to the expectations of the parent plays on their mind.
Once they begin to succeed, they begin to exert the pressure of having to rise
up to their own expectations. Any failure lowers their self esteem.
Gaurav, today, is looking out for
help to restore his self esteem
Are you nurturing a Gaurav in your
house?
Three year old Nishith refused to
go to school one fine day. Try as much his parents couldn’t convince him to go to
school. The teachers also grew worried. As far as they knew, Nishith enjoyed
school. He picked up things fast. And he really had a good time in school. What
had gone wrong? So his teacher went home. While speaking to him, she realised
that the day prior to the one he stopped school; he had made a mistake while
doing his writing. Though the teacher had only corrected him, he was
reprimanded by his mother very severely for this mistake. And Little Nishith
was upset and angry at himself and the school. The school had made Mama angry
with him. He wouldn’t come to school. He wouldn’t make any more mistakes. Mama
wouldn’t get angry with him and that was all that mattered in the life of
little Nishith.
My next case spans three
generations. Raghunath Singh, from the First Generation believed that children
should only be seen and not heard. A military incumbent, he believed only in
ordering his kids like he did his soldiers. His word was always the final. His
kids had no say in any decision what so ever. He never asked for their opinion.
He believed that kids were meant to be implicitly obedient.
Rahil, his teenage son grew up an
angry man. Angry with his father for never letting him do what he wanted as a
child, he rebelled against Raghunath Singh. He refused to join the army, walked
out of his home in Punjab, ran away to Bombay (as it was called in those days)
and struck it out on his own. Slowly and surely he built up his own business
and became a successful business man. He lived life king size.
This second generation father was
thrilled to see his son Tanay growing up into a strapping young lad. The rebel
in Rahil ensured that he would do nothing that his father did. He let Tanay do
what he wanted. Tanay grew up to be a free spirited boy who never knew any boundaries.
No limits were set for him. The best schools, the best books, the best movies,
the best toys, the best parties among his group of friends: Tanay had them all.
His father is the ‘coolest’ father
in his gang. His friends envy him. Rahil never denies Tanay anything. He is
constantly praised for everything he does.
Tanay today is confused. He is
unsure of himself. He lacks a sense of direction in life. He doesn’t know if
his father Rahil can give him any answers. He feels his father is a good friend
but doesn’t know to whom to turn to when he needs a philosopher or guide. His
father does not exude the comfort that he seeks .He lacks faith. His father
failed to nurture faith in him.
The main issue which stalks all
the above cases is the lack of communication. All parents, Rajesh and Rakhi,
Raghunath Singh or Rahil, all failed to communicate with their children. They
projected visions of what a ‘child’ is to their children. They tried to mould
them in that manner. They never tried to find out what the kids wanted.
Gaurav is product of the parents’
misplaced pride in success and achievement.
Rahil is a product of misplaced
regulations and discipline.
Tanay is a product of misplaced
anger.
When was the last time you shook
yourselves up and thought: What am I
telling my kids?
